An Explanation for a Close Friend: How Sociopaths Obtain and Maintain Control Over Their Victims

A close friend of mine has always been perplexed by exactly how sociopathic individuals gain complete control of their victims. Furthermore, he frequently struggles to understand why these women don't simply leave their abuser. His attitude is more or less: "I would leave a relationship the second my partner began abusing me!"

This is a very common question that I suspect many people have pondered from time to time. It seems shockingly simple at first; if you are being abused, just leave the guy and the abuse will end. Prudent as this advice may be, the actual situation is generally much more involved and complex than the average person realizes. Many times the woman cannot simply "leave" the abuse. It is not my intention to make excuses for women to stay with their abusive partners. I firmly believe that these woman should do their best to escape the situation as best they can. My purpose in writing is to try and help my friend better understand the slow web of control that the sociopath weaves over his victim, eventually consuming her entire life.

The most comprehensive break-down of the various tactics that sociopathic men use on their woman is illustrated in the "Power and Control Wheel." This diagram is displayed below. Following is an explanation of each part of the wheel.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

To expound upon the information presented in the wheel I have provided this short bulleted list:

• Intimidation: This is when the abuser attempts to make the victim fearful of him. If the woman fears his size, strength or fury, it will be easier to get her to obey him. This is usually done through smashing things, abusing pets, brandishing weapons and the use of aggressive looks and gestures.
• Emotional Abuse: The abuser damages the victim’s self-esteem and self-image so as to lower the likelihood of her fighting back. Furthermore, she comes to see herself as worthless and deserving of no better than the terrible world she is existing in. This is usually done through name-calling, mind games, and by putting the victim down.
• Isolation: The abuser takes control of the victim’s social world. He controls where she goes, whom she sees and talks to, what she reads, etc. By maintaining a constant knowledge of such things, he can identify whom in her life may be a threat to his control and restrict her from seeing that person. He will also know all the possible places she could be in the event that she runs away. In addition, she will begin to feel as though he is omnipotent, always knowing who she is with, how long she'll be gone and when she'll be back. This eventually causes her to start living her life by his stated schedule. He generally uses jealousy to justify these actions
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming: The abuser conditions the victim to viewing the abuse as “normal.” This is accomplished by denying the abuse, making light of it, and blaming it all on the victim. This is why you often hear these woman defend their abuser; making statements in which they blame themselves for not meeting the abuser's unreasonable demands: "It's my fault really! If I didn't go out to coffee with my friends he wouldnt have hit me!"
  
• Using Children: The man uses their children to abuse the victim. This may cause her further emotional abuse due to the powerful bond she has with her children. He will have the kids relay messages back and forth; threaten to take the children away, etc.
• Using Privilege: The abuser treats the victim like a child, making all the big decisions and acting like the king of the castle. “What he says goes,” is a common tactic used. He may even put her down on the basis of her gender or race.
• Economic Abuse: The abuser makes the victim financially dependent on him, further cementing the hold he has on her life. This makes it even harder to leave when she has no savings or income of her own to get an apartment or car with. He does this by preventing her from getting or holding a job, making her ask for money, and even taking money from her.

All of these tactics instill the condition of learned helplessness in victims. Many times, these women end up killing their abusers because they literally see no other way out. I hope this explanation has fostered a deeper understanding of these complex situations and the reasons why "just leaving" is sometimes much harder than it sounds.

A Paper I Wrote for My Class in Human Sexuality

Sexual Sadism

Sexual sadism is one of several paraphilias discussed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR) and is defined as, “Fantasies, urges or behaviors that involve real acts (not simulations) in which the suffering of another person is found sexually exciting.” The disorder is frequently stated as the cause of murders, rapes and sexual violence due to its effect on behavior. Because of the ghastly outcomes of the disorder, many have sought to understand sexual sadism’s causes, nature, and the behavior of those who have it. Such an understanding requires an in depth look at the many facets Sexual Sadism beginning with its official diagnostic criteria. Furthermore, examinations of the disorder’s prevalence and proposed causes are needed. Finally, a case study of a real life sexual sadist and infamous serial killer must be examined so as to gain insight into how this disorder manifests itself in an actual person.

Diagnostic Criteria

In order to be diagnosed with Sexual Sadism, you must fit the following DSM-IV criteria: “Over a period of six months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving acts (real, not simulated) in which psychological or physical suffering, (including humiliation) is sexually exciting to the person. The person has acted on these sexual urges with a non-consenting person, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty” (Fredoroff, 02).

This definition gives a good profile of what sexual sadism would look like. Central to the paraphilia is the experience of fantasies, urges or behaviors that involve actually harming another person. The DSM-IV notes that this harm must be real and not simulated. Thus it is the actual infliction of pain upon another person, and the perception of suffering that is sexually arousing to the sadist. It is important to differentiate between real pain and the common acting that occurs in sadomasochistic role-play. In role-play, the perception of dominance and submission is what is important and therefore neither partner is actually hurt. As with all the paraphilias, fantasies, urges or behavior must persist for at least six months.

It is important to realize that when the DSM-IV uses the language “The person has acted on these sexual urges with a non-consenting person,” it unequivocally means rape or sexual abuse. The initial sex might be been consensual, however when the individual begins carrying out his sadistic fantasies, such as beating, cutting, torture and the like, the partner resists and wishes to stop. Unfortunately, the more the partner protests, the more arousing the sexual encounter becomes to the sadist. Recall that the actual infliction of pain and perception of real suffering is arousing to the sadist, therefore the more the partner screams, cries and pleas for mercy, the more enjoyment the sadist will derive from the encounter.

Lastly, the DSM-IV states that the fantasies and urges may cause “marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.” This is seen in isolation from friends or close confidents, decreased performance in school or work environment and failure to handle usual responsibilities due to a constant preoccupation with sadistic fantasies and urges that may or may not be upsetting to the individual.

Incidence and Prevalence

Recent studies have shown that sexual assaults in America and Canada are on the decline. In Canada specifically, there has been a 33% drop in sexual assaults, taking the actual numbers down to about 72-74 in 100,000 people (Fedoroff, 2). From these figures, one may draw a correlation to the prevalence of sexual sadism, assuming it to also be on the decline. This might be true, as the specific causes of the decline are not currently known. However there is some evidence to suggest that sadism is still quite common. In fact, if we reject a dichotomous concept of paraphilias and look at them as existing on a continuum, we see that a shocking number people possess varying level of sadism. To quantify this statement, one must examine the implications of several studies that have been conducted on the subject in recent years.

One study conducted an anonymous survey of non-criminal college males. The survey asked if they would rape a woman if they thought they could get away with it. Over half of those questioned (51%) responded that they would (Fedoroff, 03). Another study of college males discovered that a significant percentage found pictures of sexually distressed women in bondage arousing (Fedoroff, 02). Such findings indicate latent sadistic sexual desires in a great percentage of college-age men. While the specific desires may not fit the complete definition of sexual sadism as outlined by the DSM and thus are not labeled abnormal, these findings are significant in that they shed light on the true prevalence of the core motives of this paraphilia.

Other studies have found similarly shocking statistics. In a measure of the general public, 39% of males claim to have sexual fantasies involving “tying up” and 30% of “raping” a woman. Another study of 94 male virgins revealed that 33% reported rape fantasies, and 14.9% reported humiliation fantasies. (Fedoroff, 3, 4)

Measured strictly in cases of rape and sexual assault, it would appear that the incidence of sexual sadism is on the decline, however when we examine the figures derived from studies such as the ones discussed above, the matter becomes a bit foggy. These figures become more significant as we explore the possible causes of sexual sadism and the criminal acts that some sadists commit. The true percentage of incidence is not (and probably cannot be) known.

Possible Causes

While an exact “cause” of sexual sadism is not currently known, several theories exist that attempt to explain the sadist’s behavior. One crucial mistake that people make is to ask, “How can someone bring him or herself to do such a thing as rape and murder another person?” Roy Baumeister and Keith Cambell, two researchers in the field of sadomasochistic behavior, point out the error in this way of thinking: “The notion that people must bring themselves to do shocking, heinous things assumes that the perpetrators recognize the acts as shocking and heinous and hence must force themselves to overcome the revulsion with which these acts are regarded. This notion is quite plausibly wrong. Acts that seem heinous to victims and in retrospect may be experienced quite differently by the perpetrator” (Baumeister, Cambell, 01).

Baumeister and Campbell elaborate on this statement, explaining why they (and the majority of professionals) feel people engage in sadistic behavior: “Insofar as people get sadistic pleasure from hurting or killing others, there is little need to develop further explanations of evil. People do it because it feels good; enough said” (Baumeister and Cambell, 03). Although this explanation is valid and in line with the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria, it’s shallow explanation makes it a bit disheartening for most people.

It is interesting to note that many sadists report, “uncertainty, awkwardness, fear and guilt,” with regard to killing or hurting other people. In journals and memoirs written by sadists, they frequently report that harming others brings them emotional and physical distress rather than joy and pleasure (Baumeister and Cambell, 03). Such claims seem to directly contradict the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for the disorder. How can this be? Baumeister and Campbell have wrestled with this dilemma and offer an explanation of the progression of the psychology of sadism that goes much deeper than the description offered earlier. “First, the initial reaction to hurting others (at least to most adults) appears to be quite aversive, and the distress appears to be at a visceral level, rather than a moral or abstract one. Second, the distress one experiences over inflicting harm appears to subside over time. Third, the pleasure in harming others seems to emerge gradually over time and is described by some as comparable to addiction. Fourth, the majority of perpetrators do not seem to develop sadistic pleasure or a feeling of addiction” Baumeister and Cambell, 04).

This progression offers adequate insight into the mind of a sadist, but why might one make the first step from fantasy to reality and begin carrying out such acts? The answer lies in one of the most important studies on sadism ever performed.

Using a sample of only 36 men who had convicted of sexually deviant behavior, the Federal Bureau of Investigation came to the same conclusion as Marquis Donatian-Aphonse Franquois de Sade. The theory is known as, “The Degeneration Hypothesis” and states that offenders begin with deviant fantasies that graduate to minor crimes that in turn become increasingly serious (Feoroff, 3, 4). This view would hold that a certain percentage of those college males who had rape fantasies would one day try being very forceful with a consenting partner, graduate to attempted rape, move into assault and rape, and so on and so forth.

Baumeister and Campbell have another view they refer to as “Seeking Thrills, Reducing Boredom.” They have theorized that many people, specifically undersocialized adolescent males, seek thrills and excitement as a cure to the boredom of life. They believe that acts of violence and aggression can provide such thrills, thus evil can be fun (Baumeister and Cambell, 6).

To quantify this claim Baumeister and Campbell point to the research of Jack Katz who focused on the thrill of illegal activity. For example, Katz found that many people who shoplift are only doing so for the excitement they derive from the activity rather than any need for the goods they steal. Shoplifting can hardly be considered evil, however Baumeister and Campbell borrow directly from the Degeneration Hypothesis by predicting that small, inconsequential crimes to lead to a quest for more excitement and thrills. This quest may eventually lead the individual to committing much more serious crimes. For the sexual sadist, this could mean sexual assault, rape, or murder.

Bind-Torture-Kill: A Serial Killer with Sexual Sadism

Bind-Torture-Kill (or The B.T.K Killer) was a nickname given to, Dennis Rader, the serial killer who gained him fame through just what his name implies: binding, torturing and killing his victims. In 1974 to 1991, Rader broke into seven Sedgewick County homes and murdered ten people in this manner. Shortly after the murders, Radar sent letters to media and police bragging about the kills and demonstrating knowledge of the details. These letters ceased in 1991 and did not begin again until 2004. The new letters, containing details not previously written, led his arrest in February 2005.

Dennis Rader is the perfect example of a sexual sadist. His method of binding women and torturing them is indicative of sadistic sexual motives. However we need not attempt to infer sadism from the nature of his killings, as Rader makes his sexual motives quite clear in several letters he wrote to the media. A direct excerpt from one letter reads:

“I was going to tape the boys and put plastics bag over their head like I did Joseph, and Shirley. And then hang the girl. God-oh God what a beautiful sexual relief that would been. Josephine, when I hung her really turn me on; her pleading for mercy then the rope took whole, she helpless; staring at me with wide terror fill eyes the rope getting tighter-tighter.” (Waldron)

Here we see several signs of sexual sadism. Rader mentions his intent to “tape the boys and put plastic bags over their heads.” Clearly, this is an act of bondage, an ritual performed by Rader on all of his victims. Bondage is a fantasy common of sexual sadists. The act of tying someone up is arousing to the sadist because it allows him or her to wield their power over their victim. Once they are bound, they cannot fight back, and the sadist can do anything he wants to them. In Rader’s case, this was murder.

Rader also directly comments on the sexual gratification that these acts would bring him. He talks of the “beautiful sexual relief” that hanging young girls brought him. Rader makes no mention of the girl’s physical appearance, clothing, attractiveness, or any characteristic of her at all. Instead he goes into great detail about the fear and suffering she underwent, the way the rope strangled her, etc. This leads us to believe that took pleasure not in the girls themselves, but in the suffering of un-consenting persons. This behavior falls right in line with the DSM IV criteria.

Another example of his sadistic motives is shown in a poem Rader wrote and mailed to a local newspaper. The poem described the death of one of his latest victims. An excerpt from the poem reads:

“I'll stuff your jaws till you can't talk
I'll blind your legs till you can't walk
I'll tie your hands till you can't make a stand.
And finally I'll close your eyes so you can't see
I'll bring sexual death unto you for me.
- B.T.K. (SerialKillerDatabase.net)

Again, this poem discusses the pleasure derived from binding the victims hands so she cant stand up for herself, binding the legs so she cant try and escape, etc. And we again see the outright admittance of sexual motives behind the killings in the last line: “Ill bring sexual death unto you for me.” Calling the killing a “sexual death” indicates clear sexual pleasure experienced from the act of torturing and killing.

A final admittance of sexual sadism from Rader comes from a statement made after his arrest. Apparently asked about his need to bind, torture and kill, Rader said:

"You have to have the control, which is the bonding. That's been a big thing with me. My sexual fantasy is... if I'm going to kill a victim or do something to the victim, is having them bound and tied. In my dreams, I had what they called torture chambers. And to relieve your sexual fantasies you have to go to the kill." (SerialKillerDatabase.net)

Here we see Rader admitting to all the symptoms of sexual sadism. He mentions how he bound people so that he could have control over them, calling it his “sexual fantasy.” He had fantasies and dreams about torture chambers and obviously took great pleasure in the act of bringing pain and suffering upon others. Finally he mentions that in order to relieve his sexual fantasies, he had to carry out an actual kill.

All of this points to an airtight diagnosis of sexual sadism. In Rader’s case, it is clear that this paraphilia is existing comorbidly with Anti-Social Personality Disorder, producing a remorseless killer who derives reinforcing sexual pleasure from his acts. Sexual sadism is arguably one of the most dangerous disorders insofar as individuals like Rader carry out such urges. A greater understanding of this disorder is needed in order to better treat these individuals and to help reduce the number of victims that suffer the consequences of becoming involved with a sexual sadist.


Work Cited
Fedoroff: Fedoroff, Paul, “Sadism, Sadomasochism, Sex and Violence”, The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 53, 2008.

Baumeister and Campbell: Roy, Baumeister, and Kieth Campbell. "The Intrisnic Appeal
of Evil: Sensations, Thrills and Threatened Egoism", Personality and Social Psychology Review, Vol. 3, 1999

Waldron: Waldron, Frank, “Letters from BTK”, BlogCritics Magazine, 2005, http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/08/05/1745272.php

SerialKillerDatabase.net: Henderson, Joshua, The Serial Killer Database,
http://serialkillerdatabase.net/dennisrader.html