An Explanation for a Close Friend: How Sociopaths Obtain and Maintain Control Over Their Victims

A close friend of mine has always been perplexed by exactly how sociopathic individuals gain complete control of their victims. Furthermore, he frequently struggles to understand why these women don't simply leave their abuser. His attitude is more or less: "I would leave a relationship the second my partner began abusing me!"

This is a very common question that I suspect many people have pondered from time to time. It seems shockingly simple at first; if you are being abused, just leave the guy and the abuse will end. Prudent as this advice may be, the actual situation is generally much more involved and complex than the average person realizes. Many times the woman cannot simply "leave" the abuse. It is not my intention to make excuses for women to stay with their abusive partners. I firmly believe that these woman should do their best to escape the situation as best they can. My purpose in writing is to try and help my friend better understand the slow web of control that the sociopath weaves over his victim, eventually consuming her entire life.

The most comprehensive break-down of the various tactics that sociopathic men use on their woman is illustrated in the "Power and Control Wheel." This diagram is displayed below. Following is an explanation of each part of the wheel.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

To expound upon the information presented in the wheel I have provided this short bulleted list:

• Intimidation: This is when the abuser attempts to make the victim fearful of him. If the woman fears his size, strength or fury, it will be easier to get her to obey him. This is usually done through smashing things, abusing pets, brandishing weapons and the use of aggressive looks and gestures.
• Emotional Abuse: The abuser damages the victim’s self-esteem and self-image so as to lower the likelihood of her fighting back. Furthermore, she comes to see herself as worthless and deserving of no better than the terrible world she is existing in. This is usually done through name-calling, mind games, and by putting the victim down.
• Isolation: The abuser takes control of the victim’s social world. He controls where she goes, whom she sees and talks to, what she reads, etc. By maintaining a constant knowledge of such things, he can identify whom in her life may be a threat to his control and restrict her from seeing that person. He will also know all the possible places she could be in the event that she runs away. In addition, she will begin to feel as though he is omnipotent, always knowing who she is with, how long she'll be gone and when she'll be back. This eventually causes her to start living her life by his stated schedule. He generally uses jealousy to justify these actions
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming: The abuser conditions the victim to viewing the abuse as “normal.” This is accomplished by denying the abuse, making light of it, and blaming it all on the victim. This is why you often hear these woman defend their abuser; making statements in which they blame themselves for not meeting the abuser's unreasonable demands: "It's my fault really! If I didn't go out to coffee with my friends he wouldnt have hit me!"
  
• Using Children: The man uses their children to abuse the victim. This may cause her further emotional abuse due to the powerful bond she has with her children. He will have the kids relay messages back and forth; threaten to take the children away, etc.
• Using Privilege: The abuser treats the victim like a child, making all the big decisions and acting like the king of the castle. “What he says goes,” is a common tactic used. He may even put her down on the basis of her gender or race.
• Economic Abuse: The abuser makes the victim financially dependent on him, further cementing the hold he has on her life. This makes it even harder to leave when she has no savings or income of her own to get an apartment or car with. He does this by preventing her from getting or holding a job, making her ask for money, and even taking money from her.

All of these tactics instill the condition of learned helplessness in victims. Many times, these women end up killing their abusers because they literally see no other way out. I hope this explanation has fostered a deeper understanding of these complex situations and the reasons why "just leaving" is sometimes much harder than it sounds.